*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
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Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
nature’s most graceful animal
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers