Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
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Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.