If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.