You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please