Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
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The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.