wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
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My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”