GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
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Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*