I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
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God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent