My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨