After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!