My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.