One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
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Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
*seductively eats two tums*
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏