If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
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So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate