[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
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Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
*pronounces surface like Versace*
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
RT if you could go either way.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…