@TheDailySchmuck

I’m black. I should be able to stick my finger in milk and make it chocolate milk. But evolution is bogus.

@TheDailySchmuck

1995: one day the Internet will allow all people access to the full breadth of human knowledge.

2016: *watching cat videos*

@TheDailySchmuck

*makes third wish*

Lastly, I want to be irresistible to women.

[Transformed into really nice handbag]

Dammit.

@TheDailySchmuck

Top Five Creepy Things:

5) Dark and stormy nights
4) Spiders
3) Cars with eyelashes
2) Decaf drinkers
1) People who take one bite of cake

@TheDailySchmuck

I was dating this girl until I found out she stuffed her bra with tissue paper.

Then I was hooked because serious allergy issues.

@TheDailySchmuck

*wakes up after all night party*

*rolls over*

*rolls over*

*rolls over*

How did I get on this escalator?

@TheDailySchmuck

I hate when I shape my hand like a phone to tell someone to call me, but they’re in their 20s and don’t know what phones used to look like.

@TheDailySchmuck

[Eating unhealthy potato at restaurant]

Cop: You’re under arrest.

Me: What’s the charge?

[Lowers sunglasses]

Cop: a salt and buttery.

@TheDailySchmuck

Every time I’m the only black person at a party I think: “Wow. I helped them make quota.”