Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
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My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)