I’m black. I should be able to stick my finger in milk and make it chocolate milk. But evolution is bogus.
Don’t worry about the grass on the other side.
It’s not your grass.
1995: one day the Internet will allow all people access to the full breadth of human knowledge.
2016: *watching cat videos*
*makes third wish*
Lastly, I want to be irresistible to women.
[Transformed into really nice handbag]
Top Five Creepy Things:
5) Dark and stormy nights
3) Cars with eyelashes
2) Decaf drinkers
1) People who take one bite of cake
I was dating this girl until I found out she stuffed her bra with tissue paper.
Then I was hooked because serious allergy issues.
*wakes up after all night party*
How did I get on this escalator?
I hate when I shape my hand like a phone to tell someone to call me, but they’re in their 20s and don’t know what phones used to look like.
[Eating unhealthy potato at restaurant]
Cop: You’re under arrest.
Me: What’s the charge?
Cop: a salt and buttery.
Every time I’m the only black person at a party I think: “Wow. I helped them make quota.”