Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
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When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department