@TheDairylandDon

October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.

@TheDairylandDon

I don’t believe in Bigfoot; because he never believed in me. I’d scan the crowd at my ballet recitals, and always see that one empty seat.

@TheDairylandDon

Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.

@TheDairylandDon

Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.

@TheDairylandDon

To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.

@TheDairylandDon

The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.

@TheDairylandDon

If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.

@TheDairylandDon

No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.