“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”
– makers of band-aids
Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage