*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
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Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
My dog ate my work from home.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us