I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
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Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.