I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
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what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious