Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
You Might Also Like
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.