god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
You Might Also Like
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Lube but for my dry humor.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….