shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
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I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“