[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
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Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
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sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.