I wish horses knew that every person who drives by them says, “Oh look. Horses.”
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.