Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
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Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
I have many caverns
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”