Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
You Might Also Like
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.