me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe