him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
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The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
(by @ZachWeiner )
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.