@TheHyyyype: MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don't remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
@TheHyyyype: FRIEND: it's all about picking your battles
WIFE: i can't believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
@TheHyyyype: [i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says "i'm leaving and i'm taking the kids"]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you're not going anywhere you piece of shit
@TheHyyyype: NEW TEACHER: i'm mr. jones. before we get started, i want to make a few things clear, "baes" and "fams." i'm not your "squad" and this isn't "goals." this is english class, where we speak correctly. "sorry not sorry."
STUDENT: mr jones
STUDENT: that was lit
@TheHyyyype: OLD LADY: help, that man snatched my purse and he's getting away!
ME: no need to shout, ma'am, i'll handle it
OLD LADY: oh thank you!
ME: *takes deep breath* help, that man snatched her purse and he's getting away!
@TheHyyyype: [third date]
ME: i want you to meet my parents
HER: uhh, don't you think it's a little too early for that?
ME: nah, it's after 7, they should be home by now
@TheHyyyype: tornados have been around forever, so just imagine millions of years ago a brontosaurus was flailing around in a twister