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Page of TheHyyyype's best tweets

@TheHyyyype : [first date with woman who has a kid]

HER: i'm a single mom

ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were

@TheHyyyype: MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep

DURING KARAOKE: i don't remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music

@TheHyyyype: FRIEND: it's all about picking your battles

[later]

WIFE: i can't believe you ju-

ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg

@TheHyyyype: [i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says "i'm leaving and i'm taking the kids"]

ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you're not going anywhere you piece of shit

@TheHyyyype: [lava kids playing in a volcano]

"the floor is linoleum!"

@TheHyyyype: NEW TEACHER: i'm mr. jones. before we get started, i want to make a few things clear, "baes" and "fams." i'm not your "squad" and this isn't "goals." this is english class, where we speak correctly. "sorry not sorry."

STUDENT: mr jones

TEACHER: yes?

STUDENT: that was lit

@TheHyyyype: OLD LADY: help, that man snatched my purse and he's getting away!

ME: no need to shout, ma'am, i'll handle it

OLD LADY: oh thank you!

ME: *takes deep breath* help, that man snatched her purse and he's getting away!

@TheHyyyype: [ice fishing]

*pulling on rod* whoa nelly that's a big ice

@TheHyyyype: [third date]

ME: i want you to meet my parents

HER: uhh, don't you think it's a little too early for that?

ME: nah, it's after 7, they should be home by now

@TheHyyyype: tornados have been around forever, so just imagine millions of years ago a brontosaurus was flailing around in a twister