Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
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Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.