my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
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I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Worth the read.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Print is alive and well!!!
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire