Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
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Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”