Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
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Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night