MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
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Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
My typo game is string.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry