While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
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Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
How your email finds me
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”