“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
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My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”