I’m sorry I tweeted about the same topic as someone else, but in my defense, I haven’t read the entire internet yet.
Sorry I shot your SUV but it’s deer season, I saw the antlers and I panicked.
Computer: do you want to save the changes?
Me: I….I didn’t make any changes…OMG DID I MAKE CHANGES
Son: dad, where do vegans come from?
Sleeping Beauty was full of shit. No woman is that nice when you wake her up from a nap.
Radio: The purge has begun. For the next 12 hours, all crime is legal.
Me[gets in the 10 items or less line with 11 items] this is exhilarating!
People like to make fun of my fanny pack until they need a napkin or a chicken nugget.
If a dude is wearing cowboy clothes, is he ranch dressing?
[inventor of Grape Nuts]
what if you could eat gravel?
Prescription commercials are always so touching until the last minute or so when they explain how their product could kill you.