A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
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Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Finally!
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
crazy
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob