If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.
There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.