Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
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i’m laughing very hard in real life
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Best spot.. 😅
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.