My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
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Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
This is so me 😂😂
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.