some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
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Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬