@TheNardvark

When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.

@TheNardvark

Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo

@TheNardvark

“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”

*unbuttons pants*

“Not anymore!”

@TheNardvark

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”

@TheNardvark

Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot

@TheNardvark

Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.

@TheNardvark

If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”

@TheNardvark

There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.

@TheNardvark

TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.