When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.