Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
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inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
oppen heimer style lol
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.