Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
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alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
*frowns in Scottish*
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
I think about this a lot
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree