I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.
“Are you sure?”
I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.
I was probably sleep-wokking again.
My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.
Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.