My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
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“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Catering service
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”