I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
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I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.