My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.