“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.