Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.